Holding on to me

Have you ever had those moments where you are just counting down the minutes until your partner comes home so you can have a break? Days where you just can't wait for your little ones to go to sleep? Or days where you are just going through the motions just waiting for the day to be over? 

I am sure we have all had these thoughts or feelings at some point (No? Just me? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.). We all have good days and bad days but we have to be careful when wishing away too much of our lives because life passes far too quickly as it is....no need to speed it up by our desire to skip through the tough stuff. I know for myself these moments come much more frequently when I feel out of balance. When I am focussing too much on just getting things done, or on everyone else's needs but my own. 

"He who whittles himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away" ~Raymond Hill

When we got married (almost 8 years ago...wha?!?) we talked about how important it was for us to maintain our individuality within our marriage. We were creating a life together and a new family, but we wanted to make sure that we also had time to do the things we love, nurture other important relationships with friends and follow our own individual dreams as well as our shared ones. There have been times where we have been really good at this and times where it was more of a struggle.....turns out it is easier than I thought to lose a part of yourself without even realizing it's gone. As a mother now, it seems that I have to hold on that much tighter to myself so that I don't become so consumed by caring for others that I forget my own needs and desires. I knew that motherhood would change me, but I didn't want it to change me without my knowing it. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I have slowly chipped myself away and have forgotten all the goals I've had or things that make me happy. The only thing that will stop this from happening is being aware of it's possibility and doing everything I can to prevent it. This past month I have taken some time each week to reconnect with some of my past goals and made some new ones. I've also started to think about my definition of success, my strengths and what I need most in my life. I won't bore you with the details of those lengthy reflection sessions.....but it has definitely helped me embrace my true self and has been a great reminder that who I am is the exact right mother for my baby girl. One of the biggest take aways though is that although personal pursuits may look different than they did before I was a mom, it doesn't mean it is any less important to find time to fit them in. Alexis and I have been doing toddler yoga. Yep. Toddler yoga. It's been so much fun sharing something that I love with her!! And who knew that 'namaste' would be part of my almost two year olds vocabulary!?! 

Motherhood is busy and it definitely takes effort to hold on to ourselves especially with the lack of free time that comes with the territory, but with a bit of creativity I can still find time for personal pursuits. I think that making a commitment to do a daily check-in with myself, to recognize when I am out of balance and decide what I am missing or what I need most will really help me to become the best person and best mom I can be. I have already started to notice that I am not as worried about just getting through the day or concerned with how busy life is but more embracing that life is busy and it's up to me to carve our time to create moments that matter to me and my family. 

This chapter really reminded just how important it is for our kids to see us being ourselves, seeing us light up when we are doing something we love and most of all seeing us do and be our best self, so they are encouraged to do the same. 

xo Lindsay

Patience is a work in progress

As the second oldest of a large brood of cousins I have been surrounded by (and often in charge of) lots of babies and kids from a very young age. I mean..... what kid from a large extended family wasn't sent outside to play with their 10 younger cousins and told to 'make sure you take care of the little ones!!'? Then, as soon as I was old enough to babysit, I took my course and by the time I was 12, I was regularly looking after a 2 year and 6 month old (and also well on my way to getting my hands on a shiny new pair of doc martens FYI). As a teenager I taught snowboarding for years, in my twenties I worked in after school care and surprise, surprise I got my teaching degree in 2010. But despite this long resume of working with and being surrounded by children basically all my life.....nothing could prepare me for the 24/7 job of motherhood. I am the first to admit that I am not the most patient person in the world...well, add sleep deprivation to the mix and my already worn patience grows even thinner. So when I read the March chapter about patience, I knew I needed to open my heart and listen up because I could use a little help in this department!!

One of my goals is to change my focus to seek peace not perfection. 

We are not perfect. This I know for sure. Life can be chaotic and I know I will not always react in the perfect way....but there are a few things that I took from reading this chapter. There are a lot of things I am doing right and I am patient waaaaaay more often than not. I need to acknowledge that and be proud. Nothing wrong with patting myself on the back for taking a moment to ask my toddler why she took my new ball of yarn out and proceeded to pull yards of in out leaving in a tangled mess instead of grabbing it back and yelling her for touching my stuff. Toddlers usually have a reason for doing things, often ones we don't understand and that's usually because we don't ask. For the record....she was going to make a scarf for her bear. Now how can I get mad at that? I just took a situation that could have been frustrating for both of us and turned it into a sweet memory. I am trying to remember that for every time I  yell or react out of frustration before thinking about the situation.....those are the moments that are preventing me from the calm and joyful life I am seeking. But, for every one of those times I can catch myself and choose to be patient, I am one step closer to a more peaceful existence. 

The first step in doing this is noting my triggers. So I started to note when I felt that I was less able to control my reactions and when little things start to bother me more. There seemed to be 2 pretty obvious ones.....hunger and timelines. 

1. Ever heard of the saying....'I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry'? Ya....that's pretty spot on for me. If I am snappy, more easily frustrated and EVERYTHING seems worse than it is.....chances are I forgot to eat breakfast. So I am really trying to eat meals regularly and be more diligent at having snacks throughout the day. Any outing on an empty stomach is a recipe for disaster so I am trying remember to bring lots of snacks (for me and Lexi) while we are out. Side note....is it wrong to bribe your toddler with food in order to get her to stay in the stroller, thus making your trip to Michael's much quicker and smoother? Well it works....so I'm probably going to continue it regardless.

2. Timelines. Ugggh. I used to be a very punctual person. Even with a new baby....and pretty much until she was around 15 months, I was usually on time for things. I just haven't adjusted to life with a toddler with opinion who insists on choosing her own clothes, and dressing herself or running out of her room multiple times because she has no interest in going where we are getting ready to go. When I am under a time crunch I start to feel anxious and irritated because every little thing Alexis does that requires my intervention is then keeping me from doing what I need to be doing in a timely fashion. It's often the 15-30 minutes it takes for me to make dinner where she climbs things she isn't supposed to, grabs at things, colours on walls, unloads cupboards and on and on and on. So my approach to the timeline issue kind of depends on the situation. But a few of the things that have worked so far are to give myself extra time, whether making dinner or leaving the house...if I don't feel rushed I don't feel as 'snappy' with Alexis. I have also been trying to make room for unscheduled time where we aren't in a rush and don't have a specific time we need to be somewhere so she can wander and explore at her own pace. If we are heading to the park to play and she is walking, she just loves to stop and touch everything and smell every flower. This has also been a great reminder for myself to slow down and enjoy the journey as much as the destination. 

And finally in those moments where I am about to lose it and all else has failed....and let me tell you when you are home all day with a toddler there are definitely those moments......I try to remember pause, take a few deep breaths and then say a little prayer for strength and patience to react in a way that will be most gentle with Alexis' heart. 

Some days are easier than others and some days I have to dig deep. Patience will always be a work in progress. And it will always be worth working on. 

xo

Lindsay

Love....sweet love

How we love our children teaches them how to love others. Wow. 
I'll give you a moment to take that in. 

That quote is a reminder of what an awesome power and privilege it is to be in charge of these tiny beings. As a mother, our job is not just to keep our children fed, clothed and safe (although to be honest it feels as though that's all I can manage in a day....but I digress), it's also to teach them the ways of the world, how to treat people and interact with others, how to value themselves, overcome obstacles and become strong, independent individuals and on and on. When you think about it though....assuming that basic needs are met.....it's kind of inevitable that that our babies will grow into adults. It just happens. But the question is.....what kind of adult will they be? Will they be a contributing member of society? Will they be loving and respectful of all people? Will they find their passion? Be successful? There are so many unknowns and so much of life that we have no control over. It starts to feel pretty overwhelming and it's hard to know where to start! 
I have a long list of qualities I would love for Alexis to have; intelligent, ambitious, self-confident and independent, but above all else I want her to be kind, thoughtful and loving.   
"Love spreads. By loving our children we are weaving threads of love into the fabric of the world"  (page 38 of Deliberate Motherhood)
I just think that's such a beautiful sentiment. It's a reminder that children learn what they live and we are teaching them everyday how to treat people by how we treat them and how we interact with others when they are watching. They will value themselves if we value them. They learn how to respond to adversity through how they see it dealt with by those around them. Although there is so much to think about and tons of decisions to make with regard to parenting, the most important thing we can do is to lead by example and in moments of challenge or indecision let love guide us through and remember that these little ones are always watching!! 
So this really got me thinking......if I want Alexis to be kind, thoughtful and loving I need to look to myself and see if I am modeling those things for her. It is becoming pretty apparent in our house that Alexis hears everything and is learning so much just by observing what and who is surrounding her. It's really a time that I am starting to see a lot of her Daddy and I in her. When we leave the house she says 'right-right'....her version of how I say 'all-riiiight, let's go' before we walk out the door. She is starting to play pretend and wraps up her bear and rocks her to sleep just like her Daddy rocks her. She 'reads' to her monkey and bear all the time. She cleans when I clean, sets the table while I am making dinner and gets her colouring out when I am writing or on the computer. Knowing this has helped motivate me to put a lot more thought into how I speak to her, how I react to certain situations, how Ty and I interact with each other, but most of all I am trying to respond with love, even when it's not my first instinct. Have I mentioned that Alexis has also been asserting her independence more and more lately......aka typical toddler behaviours such as saying no, running away when called, touching exactly what you just asked her not to while laughing....good times. These are the times where it's really difficult to respond with love, when all I want to do is scream "Uggghhh....are you kidding me? Did you seriously touch my phone again? Oh...and not only did you touch it but you also disabled it. Great. Awesome. Way to go." Or "Really Alexis? Really? I turn around for 3 seconds and you colour on the fridge when 3.5 seconds before that I said remember, 'crayons are for paper only'. Did you miss that?" 
And yes, I admit these are exact examples and no these were not inside thoughts. But most of the time, I can keep these thoughts to myself and take a moment to remember that she is 20 months old. And yes there will be ups and downs, but I can't control her.....I can only influence her and whatever I do in this moment is just another way I am teaching her by example how to respond in any given situation....for good or for bad. Obviously sometimes I am not proud of how I deal with certain situations (see above examples) but other times on those evenings when she is driving me crazy and I am trying to get dinner ready, instead of getting frustrated and yelling I put on some music and we have a dance party in the kitchen. In these moments, I feel like I am able to let go of the to do list and truly just live in the moment. One of my favourite quotes in the book is this;
 'Love happens in the present and is hidden in the moments'  
I often forget to find love in the minutiae of the everyday routines. I forget that it's those little moments like dancing together in the kitchen that I want Alexis to remember, not being yelled at for touching every. little. thing. she's not supposed to while I am distracted by something else and really all she really wants is me. I don't want to be too busy with life to miss the sweet things Alexis does like kissing my toe better after I stubbed it or pretending to pack Ty a lunch (noodles, cheese, a smoothie and chocolate...in case you were wondering). It is remembering these moments that will help carry us through the terrible twos and bedtime battles to curfews and teenage rebellion and beyond. Love will renew us if we let it. I don't need to get it right all of the time. I just want to respond more with love than out of frustration. I don't want to show Alexis that anything is more important than her feeling our love. Unconditionally. Consistently. Without question. Always. 
That is my goal and my reason for being. Children learn what they live and I hope Alexis learns from me that love should be the motivation and the driving force in all that you do. Because as cheesy as it may sound.....what the world needs now is love....sweet love.

xo Lindsay

Valentine overload!

Is it just me or does February bring out the sappiness in everyone? With this months chapter being focussed on the power of love, I guess you could say that love has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks.  From Alexis' wardrobe to our crafting and my DIYing, let's just say that we have embraced love, hearts, kisses, hugs.....and all things pink and red! Thank you pinterest and instagram friends for all the inspiration. 

How cute is that sparkle heart shirt (from Target)?? And also I may have created a little modeling monster? I mean.... that pose when I asked her to show me her heart shirt....are you kidding me? Next stop Vogue, am I right? Haha.  The aqua shirt and the black leggings are not only super cute, but they are the easiest DIY projects you will ever do. We are talking less than 10 minutes and so simple they do not even require a tutorial. But just for fun here's one....
Step 1: Go to Michaels and buy iron on letters (I used transfermations)
Step 2: Follow the directions on the package iron on the letters to desired piece of clothing  in whatever layout you want.
That's it! I wanted to keep with the Valentine theme but also do something she could wear beyond this month. For the shirt I fancied up a $1.39 Old Navy tee (hello....love 30% the lowest ticketed item sales....am I right?!?) and recreated the famous LOVE art piece.....tilted O and all. Then I was inspired by a photo on Haley Kjar's instagram feed where she made these tights for her little girl. She has a fabulous blog at you should totally check out called Life is Sweet. So I added a little kiss and hug to an old pair of Alexis' tights and brought them new life! I used the same package for both projects and I think with my 40% coupon it was something like $6 and I still have over 20 letters left. What to do next?!?

I found this great idea for using tissue paper and contact paper to make 'stained glass' hearts on Pinterest. The tissue paper sticks to the clear contact paper and my girl likes anything to do with stickers so she looooved this project. We literally made like 10 of these!! And on a side note, thank you Vancouver having such a beautiful sunset with pink hues to match Alexis' hearts....I mean really.... how perfect!?! 

 I found this little gem on Haley's blog too....man that girl has some cute ideas! So cheesy, but that's what Valentine's Day is all about right? 

Today is not only Valentine's Day but also my loves birthday! He doesn't like when we combine.....so this morning we exchanged Valentine's cards and a few small gifts....mostly chocolate, because we just know each other so well :) I also picked up this book at Chapters and I am so excited to start this Q&A a day with the hubby. It's 365 questions but you answer them 3 times over 3 years. It'll be cool to see how our answers change over time! They have these for kids too and I can't wait to start one with Alexis when she gets older. What a fun way to find out things about each other you may never think to ask. So fun right?! Then tonight we will celebrate Ty's 31st Birthday with steak and lobster dinner (at his request) and a nice bottle of wine, chocolate cake and maybe watch the Olympics or a few How I met Your Mother episodes on DVD. I know, it's a little crazy and super romantic.....that's just how we roll. And really.....that's what Valentine's Day is all about right? Chocolate and being with the people you love!

Hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into how the Trudel Family has been celebrating this month of love so far. Happy Valentine's Day!!
♥ Lindsay

Honest Motherhood

First chapter in.....and I am hooked. Was this book written as a letter to me? It sure feels like it, because so many things in just the first chapter alone echo thoughts or feelings I have or have had as a mother. From doubts and frustration to pure exhaustion. At any given moment I am thinking one, two or all of these thoughts;

       My 19 month old is still waking up every hour or two most nights, this can't be normal.... What am I doing wrong? It's gotta be teething......Should we have sleep-trained?..... Why does every other baby sleep?......I would give anything to have 8 straight hours of sleep....... I swear if she asks to nurse one more time I am weaning her cold turkey.......Why did I commit to not weaning her before she was ready? Oh right there are hundreds of reasons that it is beneficial to breastfeed into toddlerhood <insert google search to remind myself of these reasons> aaaaaaand it's official I will be breastfeeding this little milk addict on her first day of kindergarten..... why is this so hard for me when everyone else makes it look easy? Am I the only one that has these thoughts? 

The first thing I felt after reading the first chapter in the book was a sigh of relief. Oh.....I'm not the only one. It is surprising how much peace you can find just through knowing you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. The 'shoulds'. The self-judgement. The pressure. The expectations. The doubts. The comparisons. All of these thoughts and feelings are very real and yet they get in the way of living in the moment, enjoying the present and truly accepting life as it is. Up until now, I kept those feelings inside because I thought ignoring them was the best way not to let them take over, but in ignoring them I am not accepting that it's ok to have these feelings. This book is challenging me to make a huge perspective shift and is helping me realize that the real power lies not trying to pretend these feelings and circumstances don't exist but to recognize them, accept them and smile anyways. This way, I am still being honest with my experience but I am not dwelling on the past or the future.....instead the goal is to accept every thought, feeling or moment, whether good or bad, and find peace in the present. Imperfections and all. Obviously this is easier said than done.....and so every day this month so far I have tried to find a quiet moment to meditate where I am able to practice letting things go. My mantra for the month (in green) gives me something to replace those thoughts with. So when I start to feel frustrated that Alexis is asking to nurse for the 7th time before 10am, I can accept that thought, let it go and then redirect my thinking to something more positive.....like one day Alexis will wean (hopefully before she hits kindergarten) and I will miss these moments with her. These are the thoughts that I want to fill my brain with.  

One of the first lines in the book is a quote by J. Marriott; "good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind the stronger the trees"

      Motherhood is hard. I choose to accept this, and use it as a way to grow. 

Nobody said this would be easy. But letting go of the 'shoulds' and the comparisons is a good start. Every mother will struggle with different things. My struggles may be another mothers strengths. And vice versa. Comparison is the thief of joy.

     I choose to trust myself and my instincts. I know I am enough. 

I am not perfect, but I know I do my best. I will make mistakes but motherhood and life is a work in progress. Focus on being at peace with wherever I am in my mothering journey.  

    I choose to seek peace not perfection.

Expectations are the hardest for me to let go.....for good or for bad when you let your happiness depend on their outcome the result is never good. If I expect Alexis to have a nap and she doesn't I can't help but feel cheated out of something that, really was never a guarantee. And on the flip side if she wakes up every hour one night and I expect the next night to be the same, I am unhappy about something that hasn't yet happened....and may not even happen at all. This may sound familiar to some of you or it may sound completely ridiculous. But I do it All. The. Time. 

    I choose to live in acceptance not expectation. 

I don't want to look back at this time and realize that the struggles with sleep overshadowed the hundreds of sweet moments I got to spend with my baby girl or that I let the feelings of doubt and frustration define me as a mother. 

I choose to count my blessings and find happiness in every moment. When you love what     you have, you have everything need. 

Just one chapter in and this book has opened my eyes to a whole new side of motherhood.  It may be called deliberate motherhood, but in order to embrace this journey and find peace, purpose, order and joy....it all starts with being honest with yourself. So if you are reading this and you relate to the feeling of trying to appear perfect or even just striving for perfection as a mother yet you find yourself struggling alone behind closed doors....please know you don't have to pretend around me! I am not suggesting that we focus on all the negatives, but when you are discussing your day with your closest girlfriend.....maybe don't leave out the time that you yelled at your two year old because she deleted your favourite show off the DVR. Not your most shining moment as a mother, I'm sure, but being honest may just make your friend feel less ashamed that she did the same thing last week. And if you really did have the best day ever, then by all means share that too! I am just saying that, we all know that being a mother is not always easy, so why are we pretending it is? Let's just be real, be authentic and accept that there is no shame in being less than perfect.  We all have our moments and we are all doing our best. 

Honest motherhood. It's the newest thing. Pass it on.

♥ Lindsay

New year, new direction

Over the past few years I have taken on projects that I admit have had varying degrees of success. My no-shopping project was challenging but I did it and walked out of it learning things I never thought I would.....my 30 while I'm 30 list was so much fun and I although I didn't complete all 30 I loved documenting life leading up to Alexis' birth and the first few months of our life as a family of 3. Last years project on the other hand was....well let's just be honest...a complete failure. Well at least from a blogging perspective. Looking back throughout the year, I realized that we actually did a lot of the things on my list.....just not necessarily in the order I laid out and I definitely didn't blog about any of them! So I started to think about what went wrong? What about that project didn't inspire me? Because if it inspired me I would have seen it through. The more I thought about it I realized that my intentions and focus for the year didn't really match the project. 

Embrace spontaneity. Manage expectations and be present. 

Yet every month I basically had a plan for....not exactly spontaneous. And with each month carried expectations that may or may not be met which just leads to disappointment when something doesn't go my way. 

Be grateful and focus on the positive. All you need is love. 

Very few of these monthly projects had anything to do with focussing on the positives or gratitude for love and all that surrounds me. 

 Let it go.

Well this one.....I embraced. Clearly I let go of what wasn't working for me and just lived my life. Just because I failed to complete a project doesn't necessarily mean that it was a failure. The way I see it, the project was misguided and my heart wasn't in it....so I let it go and I had an amazing year anyway. Maybe if I had forced myself to stick to it, I would have felt too boxed in to see what I was supposed to be doing. Who knows?!? Either way, all I know is that 2013 was pretty dang good!!!

We bought a condo, spent tons of time at the park, the beach and walking the seawalls of our beautiful city. We took Alexis to Science world, the aquarium and Lynn Canyon. We took mini vacations to Whistler, Edmonton and Tofino and spent as much time as possible with family and friends.  I planned a fabulous 1st birthday for Alexis with lots of DIY decor and a pretty fun 30th birthday for the hubby as well. Alexis went trick-or-treating for the first time and got her first taste of chocolate. My friend Jill and I even opened our etsy store finally....it may have been in December not February but hey...for two busy moms to start a business at all is a pretty big feat if you ask me and we are pretty proud of our new shop (shameless plug.....www.etsy.com/shop/agnesjune) Plus our December was filled with the 12 dates of Christmas again.... sadly minus the Christmas tree farm this year since the new place doesn't allow real trees :( but we had a very beautiful artificial tree that we got for 70% off AND we kept it up for waaaay longer because you don't have to worry about it dying. Look at me finding the positives!! I did learn something last year ;) 

The one thing I barely did in 2013 though was blog..... and I really did miss the writing and documenting moments throughout the year. Life is so busy and it's getting more difficult to find the time with a toddler around the house (especially one who only naps for an hour a day FYI), but realizing that I do miss writing gives me the motivation to commit to doing it more this year. I'll just have to get creative with timing and be more realistic with goals. So that being said, I still wanted to do a 2014 project but I wanted it to be less of a to-do list and I wanted it to inspire me enough to keep the momentum going throughout the year. I came across an intriguing book called Deliberate Motherhood....the 12 powers of peace, purpose, order and joy. Who doesn't want more of that in their life right?!?! With 12 powers and 12 months in the year this book is intended to be read throughout the year, thus being the perfect project for 2014!! This project encompasses basically everything I like about the previous projects (the challenge, something to focus on and learn something along the way)  but without the things I didn't like (stressed if I didn't accomplish something I intended, creates expectations I couldn't meet etc)....but ultimately the intention comes from my heart. I knew becoming a mother would change me but I hadn't thought about taking the power into my own hands and using the challenges of motherhood to become a better person and a better mother. I am excited to see what the new year brings and I am excited to be back to blogging. This year I hope to bring together my thoughts on motherhood while finding moments to document everyday life and mix in a little DIY here and there. New year.....new direction. Got my Kate Spade planner, a new project and lots of delicious teas.....I'm ready....bring on 2014. 

Late Summer Tomato Basil Soup

So it's not officially fall yet, but school is in session, weather is starting to grey a bit here in Vancouver and so I am declaring that yes....soup season has arrived. Time to bring out the slow cooker, test out recipes and bring on the steaming bowls of soup on a cold day. There is nothing better, if you ask me. I try to cook in season whenever I can and so I am often inspired by whatever is fresh, yummy and let's be honest....whatever is on sale at the farmers market, Whole Foods or wherever I happen to be shopping. For the last few weeks pints of assorted cherry tomatoes have been on special at Whole Foods, so I wanted to try my hand at tomato soup. I couldn't find a recipe that combined the required ingredients that in my mind would make up the perfect tomato soup (basil, roasted garlic and cream). So I freestyled it and made one up. It was pretty easy and my family loved it....which makes for a successful recipe in my books!  For those of you not ready to let go of summer yet.... we'll call this recipe Late Summer Creamy Roasted Tomato and garlic soup with fresh basil. That's a mouthful! Now go make this delicious soup and enjoy a mouthful of what I hope will be a new fave soup for you and your family. 

Late Summer Creamy Roasted Tomato and Garlic soup with fresh basil

Ingredients:
1 can Earth's Choice organic tomatoes (crushed in puree with basil)
1 pint of cherry tomatoes (assorted red, yellow and orange)
2 heads of garlic 
2 cups of vegetable stock
I handful of fresh basil
250 ml heavy cream

Prep the garlic and cherry tomatoes first....both can be roasted at 425 degrees. The garlic will take about 45 minutes in a small container, drizzled in olive oil and covered in tin foil. The tomatoes will take much less time (about 15 minutes) so put them in around the 30 minute mark of your roasting garlic. I found it easiest to roast them on a baking sheet covered in parchment. I basically watched them and called it done when they popped open! When the garlic is done you can basically just squeeze it into the soup like a paste. 

• Combine all the ingredients EXCEPT the cream in a large pot and simmer on low/medium for 30 minutes. 
• Cool
• Blend/puree in a regular blender or using immersion blender if you have one
• Return to pot and stir in the cream
• Simmer on low for 10-15 or until hot enough to eat
• Add salt and pepper to taste
• Enjoy!

♥ Lindsay