Honest Motherhood

First chapter in.....and I am hooked. Was this book written as a letter to me? It sure feels like it, because so many things in just the first chapter alone echo thoughts or feelings I have or have had as a mother. From doubts and frustration to pure exhaustion. At any given moment I am thinking one, two or all of these thoughts;

       My 19 month old is still waking up every hour or two most nights, this can't be normal.... What am I doing wrong? It's gotta be teething......Should we have sleep-trained?..... Why does every other baby sleep?......I would give anything to have 8 straight hours of sleep....... I swear if she asks to nurse one more time I am weaning her cold turkey.......Why did I commit to not weaning her before she was ready? Oh right there are hundreds of reasons that it is beneficial to breastfeed into toddlerhood <insert google search to remind myself of these reasons> aaaaaaand it's official I will be breastfeeding this little milk addict on her first day of kindergarten..... why is this so hard for me when everyone else makes it look easy? Am I the only one that has these thoughts? 

The first thing I felt after reading the first chapter in the book was a sigh of relief. Oh.....I'm not the only one. It is surprising how much peace you can find just through knowing you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. The 'shoulds'. The self-judgement. The pressure. The expectations. The doubts. The comparisons. All of these thoughts and feelings are very real and yet they get in the way of living in the moment, enjoying the present and truly accepting life as it is. Up until now, I kept those feelings inside because I thought ignoring them was the best way not to let them take over, but in ignoring them I am not accepting that it's ok to have these feelings. This book is challenging me to make a huge perspective shift and is helping me realize that the real power lies not trying to pretend these feelings and circumstances don't exist but to recognize them, accept them and smile anyways. This way, I am still being honest with my experience but I am not dwelling on the past or the future.....instead the goal is to accept every thought, feeling or moment, whether good or bad, and find peace in the present. Imperfections and all. Obviously this is easier said than done.....and so every day this month so far I have tried to find a quiet moment to meditate where I am able to practice letting things go. My mantra for the month (in green) gives me something to replace those thoughts with. So when I start to feel frustrated that Alexis is asking to nurse for the 7th time before 10am, I can accept that thought, let it go and then redirect my thinking to something more positive.....like one day Alexis will wean (hopefully before she hits kindergarten) and I will miss these moments with her. These are the thoughts that I want to fill my brain with.  

One of the first lines in the book is a quote by J. Marriott; "good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind the stronger the trees"

      Motherhood is hard. I choose to accept this, and use it as a way to grow. 

Nobody said this would be easy. But letting go of the 'shoulds' and the comparisons is a good start. Every mother will struggle with different things. My struggles may be another mothers strengths. And vice versa. Comparison is the thief of joy.

     I choose to trust myself and my instincts. I know I am enough. 

I am not perfect, but I know I do my best. I will make mistakes but motherhood and life is a work in progress. Focus on being at peace with wherever I am in my mothering journey.  

    I choose to seek peace not perfection.

Expectations are the hardest for me to let go.....for good or for bad when you let your happiness depend on their outcome the result is never good. If I expect Alexis to have a nap and she doesn't I can't help but feel cheated out of something that, really was never a guarantee. And on the flip side if she wakes up every hour one night and I expect the next night to be the same, I am unhappy about something that hasn't yet happened....and may not even happen at all. This may sound familiar to some of you or it may sound completely ridiculous. But I do it All. The. Time. 

    I choose to live in acceptance not expectation. 

I don't want to look back at this time and realize that the struggles with sleep overshadowed the hundreds of sweet moments I got to spend with my baby girl or that I let the feelings of doubt and frustration define me as a mother. 

I choose to count my blessings and find happiness in every moment. When you love what     you have, you have everything need. 

Just one chapter in and this book has opened my eyes to a whole new side of motherhood.  It may be called deliberate motherhood, but in order to embrace this journey and find peace, purpose, order and joy....it all starts with being honest with yourself. So if you are reading this and you relate to the feeling of trying to appear perfect or even just striving for perfection as a mother yet you find yourself struggling alone behind closed doors....please know you don't have to pretend around me! I am not suggesting that we focus on all the negatives, but when you are discussing your day with your closest girlfriend.....maybe don't leave out the time that you yelled at your two year old because she deleted your favourite show off the DVR. Not your most shining moment as a mother, I'm sure, but being honest may just make your friend feel less ashamed that she did the same thing last week. And if you really did have the best day ever, then by all means share that too! I am just saying that, we all know that being a mother is not always easy, so why are we pretending it is? Let's just be real, be authentic and accept that there is no shame in being less than perfect.  We all have our moments and we are all doing our best. 

Honest motherhood. It's the newest thing. Pass it on.

♥ Lindsay

New year, new direction

Over the past few years I have taken on projects that I admit have had varying degrees of success. My no-shopping project was challenging but I did it and walked out of it learning things I never thought I would.....my 30 while I'm 30 list was so much fun and I although I didn't complete all 30 I loved documenting life leading up to Alexis' birth and the first few months of our life as a family of 3. Last years project on the other hand was....well let's just be honest...a complete failure. Well at least from a blogging perspective. Looking back throughout the year, I realized that we actually did a lot of the things on my list.....just not necessarily in the order I laid out and I definitely didn't blog about any of them! So I started to think about what went wrong? What about that project didn't inspire me? Because if it inspired me I would have seen it through. The more I thought about it I realized that my intentions and focus for the year didn't really match the project. 

Embrace spontaneity. Manage expectations and be present. 

Yet every month I basically had a plan for....not exactly spontaneous. And with each month carried expectations that may or may not be met which just leads to disappointment when something doesn't go my way. 

Be grateful and focus on the positive. All you need is love. 

Very few of these monthly projects had anything to do with focussing on the positives or gratitude for love and all that surrounds me. 

 Let it go.

Well this one.....I embraced. Clearly I let go of what wasn't working for me and just lived my life. Just because I failed to complete a project doesn't necessarily mean that it was a failure. The way I see it, the project was misguided and my heart wasn't in it....so I let it go and I had an amazing year anyway. Maybe if I had forced myself to stick to it, I would have felt too boxed in to see what I was supposed to be doing. Who knows?!? Either way, all I know is that 2013 was pretty dang good!!!

We bought a condo, spent tons of time at the park, the beach and walking the seawalls of our beautiful city. We took Alexis to Science world, the aquarium and Lynn Canyon. We took mini vacations to Whistler, Edmonton and Tofino and spent as much time as possible with family and friends.  I planned a fabulous 1st birthday for Alexis with lots of DIY decor and a pretty fun 30th birthday for the hubby as well. Alexis went trick-or-treating for the first time and got her first taste of chocolate. My friend Jill and I even opened our etsy store finally....it may have been in December not February but hey...for two busy moms to start a business at all is a pretty big feat if you ask me and we are pretty proud of our new shop (shameless plug.....www.etsy.com/shop/agnesjune) Plus our December was filled with the 12 dates of Christmas again.... sadly minus the Christmas tree farm this year since the new place doesn't allow real trees :( but we had a very beautiful artificial tree that we got for 70% off AND we kept it up for waaaay longer because you don't have to worry about it dying. Look at me finding the positives!! I did learn something last year ;) 

The one thing I barely did in 2013 though was blog..... and I really did miss the writing and documenting moments throughout the year. Life is so busy and it's getting more difficult to find the time with a toddler around the house (especially one who only naps for an hour a day FYI), but realizing that I do miss writing gives me the motivation to commit to doing it more this year. I'll just have to get creative with timing and be more realistic with goals. So that being said, I still wanted to do a 2014 project but I wanted it to be less of a to-do list and I wanted it to inspire me enough to keep the momentum going throughout the year. I came across an intriguing book called Deliberate Motherhood....the 12 powers of peace, purpose, order and joy. Who doesn't want more of that in their life right?!?! With 12 powers and 12 months in the year this book is intended to be read throughout the year, thus being the perfect project for 2014!! This project encompasses basically everything I like about the previous projects (the challenge, something to focus on and learn something along the way)  but without the things I didn't like (stressed if I didn't accomplish something I intended, creates expectations I couldn't meet etc)....but ultimately the intention comes from my heart. I knew becoming a mother would change me but I hadn't thought about taking the power into my own hands and using the challenges of motherhood to become a better person and a better mother. I am excited to see what the new year brings and I am excited to be back to blogging. This year I hope to bring together my thoughts on motherhood while finding moments to document everyday life and mix in a little DIY here and there. New year.....new direction. Got my Kate Spade planner, a new project and lots of delicious teas.....I'm ready....bring on 2014. 

Late Summer Tomato Basil Soup

So it's not officially fall yet, but school is in session, weather is starting to grey a bit here in Vancouver and so I am declaring that yes....soup season has arrived. Time to bring out the slow cooker, test out recipes and bring on the steaming bowls of soup on a cold day. There is nothing better, if you ask me. I try to cook in season whenever I can and so I am often inspired by whatever is fresh, yummy and let's be honest....whatever is on sale at the farmers market, Whole Foods or wherever I happen to be shopping. For the last few weeks pints of assorted cherry tomatoes have been on special at Whole Foods, so I wanted to try my hand at tomato soup. I couldn't find a recipe that combined the required ingredients that in my mind would make up the perfect tomato soup (basil, roasted garlic and cream). So I freestyled it and made one up. It was pretty easy and my family loved it....which makes for a successful recipe in my books!  For those of you not ready to let go of summer yet.... we'll call this recipe Late Summer Creamy Roasted Tomato and garlic soup with fresh basil. That's a mouthful! Now go make this delicious soup and enjoy a mouthful of what I hope will be a new fave soup for you and your family. 

Late Summer Creamy Roasted Tomato and Garlic soup with fresh basil

Ingredients:
1 can Earth's Choice organic tomatoes (crushed in puree with basil)
1 pint of cherry tomatoes (assorted red, yellow and orange)
2 heads of garlic 
2 cups of vegetable stock
I handful of fresh basil
250 ml heavy cream

Prep the garlic and cherry tomatoes first....both can be roasted at 425 degrees. The garlic will take about 45 minutes in a small container, drizzled in olive oil and covered in tin foil. The tomatoes will take much less time (about 15 minutes) so put them in around the 30 minute mark of your roasting garlic. I found it easiest to roast them on a baking sheet covered in parchment. I basically watched them and called it done when they popped open! When the garlic is done you can basically just squeeze it into the soup like a paste. 

• Combine all the ingredients EXCEPT the cream in a large pot and simmer on low/medium for 30 minutes. 
• Cool
• Blend/puree in a regular blender or using immersion blender if you have one
• Return to pot and stir in the cream
• Simmer on low for 10-15 or until hot enough to eat
• Add salt and pepper to taste
• Enjoy!

♥ Lindsay

Hair and there: DIY headbands galore!

Since my baby girl was blessed with such a fabulous head of hair, I have been challenged to find cute ways to keep it under control and out of her pretty face! At only 10 months old, I have already cut her hair 3 times. Her bangs grow so dang fast, I have cut those twice (before realizing that if I keep cutting them, she will have bangs and I am not sure I want that yet)....and now we are pinning them. As for her mullet-turned-rattail; I recently gave up hope that it would ever find a way to blend in with the rest of her hair and finally trimmed that too. 
I was kind of sad to cut her precious baby hair, but I mean....really....it had to go!

But even with the absence of her unfortunate rat tail, I am afraid her need for hair management has only just begun. She has her Daddy's cowlick and I have been noticing lately that her hair is getting more of my signature 'wave' (aka....frizzy mess that I can't control without product and a lot of time and effort) when it's wet. 
A little gift from your parents to you. You're welcome. So all I can say is....T.G.F.P.
Thank Goodness for Pinterest. Have I mentioned how much I love Pinterest. You really can find anything on there....including what seems like an endless number of DIY tutorials for adorable headbands and hair pieces for little girls. And as long as Pinterest is around, I am sure Alexis will be able to find new and fabulous ways to embrace whatever hair challenges she's been dealt. Until then.....I get to make her pretty things to put in her hair. 
Here are a few of them on my sometimes patient and sometimes reluctant model. 

Overboard? Maybe. 

Cute? Definitely

The pink crocheted headband in photo #2 is my own design and it's super simple. See below for instructions. 

Here are the links to the tutorials for the black turban style headband the braided headband (in lower 3 photos). These literally take 3 minutes each, so it's easy to see why I made 1 in every colour and colour combination with the material I had sitting around. 

As for the two styles of floral headbands, check out my lovely friend Jill's blog for a fabulous tutorial that you can follow and make in any fabric combination you can think of! Thick or thin band in lace, jersey, tulle and more....each one gives the headband a different feel. The best part is that you probably have all the materials you need for this one lying around your house.....especially if you make use of this genius idea from Alisa Burke's blog. Look closely at the pink floral head band in photo #6 above. It's the waistband of an old pair of Alexis' pants that she grew out of! Turns out that the elastic waistband of your baby's pants just happens to be the same size of your baby's head!! 

Coincidence? I think not.  

As you can see the possibilities are endless when it comes to accessorizing your baby girl.....and I find it hard to stop myself.....so I probably won't. Up next; hair clips, barrettes and pony tail holders. Oh my!

♥ Lindsay 

Instructions for the crocheted bow headband: 

*disclaimer....I am by no means a professional pattern writer so hopefully this makes sense*

1. Using size 7 or 4.5mm hook chain until you can wrap it around the head of the desired wearer. This will be the band part. Remember it does have a bit of stretch to it so make sure it's not too loose to start out. Mine was about 60 chains for my 10 month old. 

2. single crochet in each chain across (60 sc). Turn and repeat. I only did 3 rows but you can keep going until you reach desired thickness.

3. For the bow, chain 10. (row 1) Then turn and sc 10 across (row 2). Repeat for next 4 rows and you should have 6 rows total. End product ressembles a rectangle. 

4. To make it look more rounded you can now single crochet in each of the 10 sc, then 6 sc up one side, 10 sc then 6 more sc up the other side (basically just sc around the whole rectangle)

5. Find the middle of your rectangle and wrap with yarn to gather it into a bow. Fasten.

6. Attach one end of your band to the back of the bow using a slip stitch. Then attach the other end in the same way and voila. You have an adorable bow headband. Hopefully.

Family time.

As you may have read in my last post, life has been crazy for us lately and we haven't had a ton of time to spend together as a family. We try and have dinner together every night, and although it takes a bit more flexibility and coordination some weeks than others, I must say we have been doing a pretty good job of sticking to it! In our old place, dinners would consist of kneeling at our coffee table while watching tv to unwind after our long days and these dinners usually didn't involve a lot of conversing. Now don't get me wrong....the hubby and I do talk to one another.....just not usually over dinner. I don't know about all of you, but I grew up with the family gathering around the table for dinner as much as possible. That being said, we were also a busy family and it wasn't always possible for all of us to be there, but if we were at home and dinner was being served we all ate together at the table. If Dad got home late from work, we ate later. If one of us had soccer or piano at 7, then we ate earlier and perhaps that night Dad would eat alone.....but for the most part, family dinners were the time to share the events of our days with each other and talk about plans the upcoming weekend etc. 

No tv. No music. No radio. Just uninterrupted family time. 

Looking back on it, I loved those times and that's what I want for Alexis. Now that she is eating real food and our new place has an actual separate dining room, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to reinstate family dinners. We put our phones away and talk about our day and laugh at the adorable things Alexis does while eating (silly uncoordinated babies are so entertaining). I picture when she's older and sharing what she did at school or how her <insert sport here> game went or..... even further down the line I expect girl drama and love problems will likely come up (if I am lucky enough that she will talk to us about those things...fingers crossed). It makes me tear up just thinking about it. She's growing up so fast. I mean.....I can't believe she's 10 months old and already got a mind of her own. I asked for a hug the other day and she shook her head no.....what?!? Denying me hugs already? Is she trying to break her poor momma's heart? Of course now she thinks it's funny and routinely wrestles her way out of my snuggling arms while shaking her head. Where did my cuddly baby go? My point is that when I was pregnant every parent I knew.....and even some strangers on the street come to think of it, took every opportunity to tell me to "enjoy every moment, because time will fly by faster than you can imagine once you have a kid". I would nod in agreement thinking I already knew what they meant, but I don't think I truly got it. Now I do.
It's not easy to get dinner ready with a baby that never stops moving (ever....even in her sleep!). Sometimes I get frustrated when hubby is later than anticipated and Alexis can no longer be distracted by books and cheerios, but then I think about how precious our time together is and how the routines we create now are the foundation for our family to grow on. If we put family first now, Alexis will learn to value family. 
Or at least I hope it's that easy. 
So we eat together. If it gets hard....we make it work. Family time is always worth fighting for. I hope Alexis grows to cherish these times together as much as I already do. 

♥ Lindsay

Family date night

I am sure you all know I love a good deal....but there is no better deal than FREE, so I have been super excited to get Alexis to as many events as possible while she's under 2 (aka free admission). So obviously I was stoked when the hubby came home with two free Canucks tickets! We had a slight hesitation before deciding to bring Alexis. I was worried about her ability to sit in our laps for that long. Now that she can crawl and stand....would she really be ok just being held for 2 plus hours? In the end we decided that now was the time, because if we had to leave early it's not like we were out any money because the tickets were free! It's the perfect opportunity to give it a try and take her to her first Canucks game. So we bought her a Canucks shirt for $10 and went in with an open mind, knowing that it was entirely possible that she may not last past the first period....but thinking it was definitely worth a try. I am so glad we went. She was such a little rock star. Clapping when they scored....cheering with the other fans and just generally loving the excitement of the game. I am not going to lie....around the third period, she did get a little bored.....but nothing an empty water bottle wouldn't fix (I swear I have no idea why we buy toys for children when random household items are what they prefer anyway). 
Now I know she'll probably never remember it, but we had so much fun watching her react to everything going on around her while cheering and clapping her little heart out. 
It was such a great family night out! Here are a few photos of her first Canucks game: 

♥ Lindsay

Longer out than in...and a few of our favourite things

If you've been wondering what we do all day.....here are a few of our favourite things lately:

Unloading and loading our bookshelf has been a big part of our daily routine. Over and over and over again. Then when Alexis tires of that.... she hands me a book pats it and looks at me longingly. So we read it. Then I put it down. She picks it back up hands it to me and signs 'more'. How can I say no?!?

And so, we read it again. And again. And again. Until she hands me another book and we read that one. She has also started to read the books on her own and I sometimes hear her 'talking' as she reads or doing the things that we do when we read together like kiss the puppies noses in her puppy book, or stick out her tongue like the cat in her cat book. I mean really.....how cute is that?!? Bottom line is....she loves her books!!

Our new place has a window with a ledge that sits at a perfect height for Alexis to stand and look out. She stands there and sings or talks about whatever her little heart desires. She points at the birds that fly by and says 'bir' (does that count as her first word?!?). Recently she has started pointing at random things and saying 'wassat'....it's so cute it melts my heart! 

We try to get out of the house everyday....either to go to the swings or walk along the seawall. I can tell she loves these outings because the girl sings the entire way as she waves to everyone she sees! I get so many comments from passersby about how 'someone is happy' or 'what a pretty little voice she has'. I wish I could get it on video but I swear she has a sixth sense because whenever i take my phone out and get it ready she stops then I put it away and she starts again. You get the picture. So I haven't gotten it yet....gotta keep trying! 

Also we have passed a fairly big milestone.....as of April 11th Alexis has officially been longer out than in. Yes that's right friends, I got bored the other day and calculated her age in weeks and discovered she is 41 weeks old.....which is as long as she was cozied up in her mama's belly! 

This revelation got me feeling a little reflective on how far we've come. Now don't get me wrong I have loved every stage and tried to be as present as I can through the sleep deprivation and hormones etc, but I have to admit that 9 months seems to be the most fun so far. Alexis is communicating more and more every day. We are teaching her sign language ( I think we are up to 8 or 9 signs that she can do and understand) but she also adds her own flair with hand gestures that may not necessarily be by the book, but they certainly get her point across.  She's such a happy baby (most of the time)....which makes me a pretty lucky mama! She brings out the silly side in me because everything I do is funny....and it's so much fun to make her laugh. She thinks it's hilarious when I put her bunny slippers on her monkey and gets that good baby belly laugh when I blow raspberries on her neck (or she returns the favour for that matter). It's the little things. Overall she's a pretty awesome baby.  I'll have to remember this next time she wakes up ready to play at 4am or when we are in the midst of the next round of teething. 

♥ Lindsay